okay this might be a reeeaaally long post, but I will try to make it short and sweet and not bore people on here.
I’ve had an amazing summer. I was filled with positive energy, got to see my friends from all around the 50 states (most of which for the first time IRL), and I got to travel a lot. But sooner or later summer comes to an end and August it hit me when one night I thought “I don’t want to go to school, it makes me miserable.” And that lead on to an overnight existential crisis in which I thought about how I only have one life to live and how I don’t know when I’m going to die and other shit like that, and then that lead to me to think “why am I still doing photography?”
I recently attended a concert (Lily Allen, great show) with a friend of mine who recently moved to new york city to study photography at NYU. And after the show we were sitting on a stop on the corner of w56th street and 8th avenue, chowing down on fries and dipping them in our wendys frostys, she turns to me and says “Alex, I don’t want to do photography anymore. Music inspires me and I want to be more involved in that industry.” I was shocked to hear that because A. she is a talented photographer and B. she hasn’t even completed an entire month at NYU and is so certain she wants out of the photo world. All I told her was something along the lines of “Do whatever makes you feel happy.” And then that’s when I revealed to her that I was actually trying to leave photography school as well and to move on to other things in life. She asked my “Why Alex?” and so I told her the story of how I came about doing Photography.
How I started & Why I wanted to pursue photography:
So in summer of 2009 I bought a beginners DSLR camera because I was curious to learn more about the camera since I kept bringing a little red canon point and shoot everyday to school (sadly it was stolen from me). So I joined classes outside of school in a small photo school by union square, there I began to learn a lot about the body of work that is a camera, and I began getting attention from classmates and instructors, it wasn’t because I was a 15 year old in a class of middle aged folk, but it was cause I created ideas and actually put the time and energy to try to create a new shoot by the next week so I could stand out and be the best in class, and I was (not to turn my own pages).
So that lead on to me moving on from the beginners class and doing my own projects in the outside world and I built a pretty strong portfolio back around 2010-11. And one thing I loved most was the Attention I was getting from people from school and people from the internet. I felt like I was being appreciated for a cool talent I had for once. But then I form a little group of friends by sophomore year and I only cared about their attention, they gave me great crits and cool tips on what they liked. I’m gonna keep their names out of this but I’ll just use their first initial. So there was C, J and L, my everyday group who I still care about even though were don’t keep close contact anymore. But then L and I began to hang out over the weekends go to movies and walk for miles around the city, and he had his own interests in cameras and so one day in 2012 we were sitting late night outside the gansevoort hotel and we made up the word praisus and I had the idea that we could form a partnership of some kind with photography like Inez and Vinoodh since we were really close and had similar interests. Then the only persons attention when it came to photo was L’s. So in Senior year I was very moody because the fact I was a year older than him and I feared that our plans were going to be terminated cause we would go to different schools and lose contact like it happens in movies and tvs. So I was like a moody bitch who kept bringing up topics that bothered me about our friendship and how it would be when I moved on to a new school. And shortly after he stopped speaking to me and blocked me on everything, which it sounds like I am trying to make him sound like a douche on here but I’m not cause he had a right to. And I took that the wrong way and had very bad experiences since trying to get over the fact he cut me off like that. I had lots of lows summer 2013 and my entire freshman year of college and it wasn’t until spring of 2014 that I was realizing that I didn’t want to continue with photography. I barely posted on my tumblr, and I barely made friends in my new school, I had tons of inspiration but no motivation to improve my photography. And then summer came along and I had a fucking blast and now I’m back in school ready to move on from this.
I might’ve went on a tangent above but basically I’ve really liked the attention I received the past 4 years I’ve done photography seriously. But I feel like I was doing this to clench on to a friendship I really cared about, and what’s so special about it it was someone I would’ve never expected to meet ever in my life that would motivate me and bring me up even in my lowest times in high school (and I hit some serious lows back then). And now that we aren’t in contact anymore it was a serious wake up call for me and I am now realizing what I actually want to do and how I could achieve it.
so yeah, that was short and broad version of the story believe it or not.
I’m not a famous blogger or anything but I know people are reading this so….
Thanks to all the friends that helped me out with my shoots in the past and to all the people I’ve talked to on here and most of whom I’ve met up in real life who have given me nothing but positive energy. I love you guys <3 <3